Since being diagnosed with Aspergers last year one of the things I’ve struggled most with is learning how to accept myself. I’ve tried to talk to people about this struggle, but the only answer I get is “just be yourself, if people don’t accept you its on them”. I agree, but you have to look at this from a Aspies point of view. I don’t have the ability to be anyone else. I believe that being yourself feels good because you have the ability to not be yourself. Accepting who you are is ultimately a choice. Since its been so hard for me to connect with people and maintain relationships, I’ve convinced myself that its because of who I am and if I can somehow change that person, I’ll be able to get the human interaction I so desperately crave sometimes. In other words, I haven’t fully accepted that I’m autistic and I blame myself for my current situation. I still find myself comparing who I am with neurotypicals. I’m working on it, but its hard. I’ve known I was different for my entire life and I’ve spent a great deal of it trying to be like the people around me so I can have what they have. It never works though, I always end up in the corner by myself being a spectator.
I love myself, I love who I am. But sometimes I wish I had the skills to fake a smile and navigate a party just to meet people and further my career. People with the skills and wherewithal to “fake it” choose to not do so and be themselves. It must bring NTs a great deal of comfort to know that if times get rough, they can just be someone else. If they cant find a job in their chosen field they can put on a smile and charm their way into things. For me, this person is kind of it. I don’t have the instincts “normal” people have. Even just saying “good morning” to me can send panic throughout my brain. I never know how to respond, its hard for me to even carry a normal conversation. And before you think to yourself “OMG ME TOO I HATE SMALL TALK, FUCK SMALL TALK”, remind yourself that even though you hate it, you have the ability to suck it up and do it. I don’t And that bothers me sometimes. It gets lonely outside the box, being an outsider isn’t as awesome as people who have chosen to be there make it out to be.