Today is my Mother’s 60th birthday. But you wouldn’t know that if you were the closest person to me or just an acquaintance. 60 is a milestone.. You’d think I’d be running around making plans and getting ready for some huge celebration. I mean c’mon, we’re Latin surely we’re getting together and going all out, right….. So here’s the truth, it’s going to take energy I quit forcing myself to possess to even muster up a text this morning in honor of her day. I know what many of you will be thinking cause I’ve heard it constantly throughout my Life about what an ungrateful person I’ve turned out to be cause I had everything I ever wanted.
What folks saw on the outside were fancy trips out of town, nice clothes and shoes, hair always being trimmed and kept up.. Mom drove a nice car. We lived in a nice house. It was always overly decorated like a typical Mexican woman would back then. We had our own rooms. They were filled with tons of barbies (mine even drive a rolls Royce with a real working radio) & other various toys. I was into music so I was the only one out of my friends with an actual stereo system in my room that used to anger the neighbors.
I was allowed to dye my hair & wear makeup at 12 and every time I went through some sort of personality change she was always there to take me shopping to accommodate the look that went along with it. Yeah man I mean what more can a young girl want..?
Except a Mother.
For as long as I can remember I’ve been afraid to come to her with anything emotional. If I fell down and scraped my leg, I’d clean it up myself, put a bandaid on it and wear pants till it healed so she wouldn’t notice. If she noticed I’d have to hear how clumsy I was and how no man would ever want me with scarred up knees.. Cause that mattered at 7. She was from a family of racist bigots who thought they earned some self righteous power and were able to judge anything they wanted about you. If they didn’t like how you dressed, who you associated with, how much money you made etc they weren’t inviting towards you whatsoever. Dating in this family was a challenge from hell and that’s IF he was the same race if he wasn’t well don’t even think about it.
On my Father’s side I’m the first born child/grand child. My Nana (his mother) Loved me like I was hers. She guided me Spiritually and taught me self Love. She made me believe I could do anything I wanted and what she taught was so Pure I wasn’t the young girl who sought Superficial Love.. She’s everything I am. If it wasn’t for her I don’t know where I’d be emotionally. I would’ve been completely misguided. My Mother wasn’t for that. I won’t detail the events that brought me to this place with her but I will say I don’t think she ever knew what to do with kids. I’m not sure if she was ever capable of the empathy required to raise children.. It takes much more than paying the bills. If I could have a do over I’d sacrifice every cool materialistic thing I had to just be able to have a Mother I felt comfortable running up to & squeezing tight. I can tell you exactly the last time that happened.. I was 10 and she told me she’s not the touchy-feely type.. Even then I had developed a Prideful wall in dealing with her similar to the one keeping me from making that call in the morning, that I didn’t try it again. She never made me feel like I could. I didn’t tell her when I had my first kiss or even liked a boy.. My pregnancy was a secret just shortly upon delivering, she never even noticed. She doesn’t have knowledge of my very first Heartache that almost left me breathless or even the Amazing accomplishments I continue to strive for each day. I’ve never been praised for a single one or even told once what an Amazing mother I am myself.
But that’s ok. I know practically everything about my kids. 3 of four almost adults and I know them to the core, even the parts I don’t want to know. I can tell you what each of their favorite color is and what foods they Love/Hate, their strengths, their weaknesses, what their passions are, what they all want to do with their lives you go ahead and ask me anything and I can tell you in complete detail. I know them down to their scent. I can describe their faces & tell you where to find Beauty marks on each one. I can describe their personalities & what makes them tick and above all that.. I don’t go one day without hugging them & telling them I Love them. Cuddle sessions are still in full effect, girl dates and gym time. Dinners every night and everyone must show unless its school related. A consistent flow of checking in, asking how the day is, making sure my children are happy cause isn’t that the end result? Happy, self sufficient adults?
Thank You Nana.
Happy Birthday Mother.